Ask Honey: Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Dear Honey,

My marriage is really bad. So bad that it's violent sometimes. I am scared to stay and scared to leave. What should I do?

Help, Stuck in the middle

Dear Stuck,

For many of us, the fear of leaving an abusive relationship can make us feel stuck. We fear the unknown, financial insecurity and sometimes we’re scared that all of the things our abuser said about us just might be true? The abuser’s opinion of you is just not who you are. In fact, nothing could be less true. So basically, we are paralyzed by things that may not even be accurate?

Maybe you haven’t told anyone about the abuse. It’s your own private hell.  You may be ashamed to tell your family or friends for fear of them judging you for staying in the relationship. Some of you have rationalized that “it's not that bad” and put your happiness and emotional and physical safety on hold because of your overwhleming fear of change.

I believe you are only as sick as your secrets. But by sharing your story and being real, people and organizations like HAVEN which can be reached at (877) 922-1274 or haven-oakland.org, will support and encourage you and help you to find the resources to make a change. It is okay to
walk away. You did what you had to do, but you can be happy, joyous and free. I know this, because I have been you.

The best part is that this is your time for personal renovation. You must promise yourself to change from the inside out. Here are some things to think about:

Who you were before the relationship? What was your life supposed to be like?  What did you put aside to make someone else happy? What did you not do based on your fear of someone ‘bursting your bubble’ because you weren’t good enough?

What would you attempt to do if you knew you couldn’t fail? What are the things you would never accept again?  What is on your ‘wish list’ for your future?

The good news is that from this experience you will have gained the valuable strength you will need  to build your new life. More importantly, your new life will never (ever) resemble your past. You can change your situation and push past the people who tell you that it can’t be done. You can prove everyone wrong. You are bigger and better than your circumstances and you will be a success story. This is your time.

Remember, some people are brought into your life to show you contrast. As bad as it was, you will find your ability to notice the new, nice, shiny good people. I would also encourage you to reshape your self-talk about what you’ve been through. While it was bad, you now have the powerful life experience to help yourself AND others as they transition from abuse to empowerment. From that, you will receive the greatest joy. I know I did.

xox Honey

Each week, Laura "Honey" Solomon brings real-life practical solutions to the issues of divorce recovery, relationships, and time management for Patch readers. Her book Normal Life (Volume 1) is now out on paperback and available on Amazon.

Visit her website at wordofmouthconsulting.biz for more information.